Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Clot, clot, clot...or not.

I have been quiet once again…but I thought I would write a post to let you all know how I have been recently. Following on from my last post, my chemo got postponed by a few days because of my hospital stay. But I have now just had chemo 9 out of 12 and I can officially say that I finish chemo at the end of next month!!! (how bloody exciting) I’m going to be totally honest though, this chemo has really knocked me for six. I feel exhausted constantly, the sickness seems to have got worse and my days consist of moving from my bed to the sofa and maybe to the fridge and back. (I’m not even joking) Now that I am so close to the end I almost feel like I am stuck on groundhog day, I literally do the same thing every single day, but it’s hard to do stuff and go places when your neutrophils are non-existent and you’re at risk of picking up absolutely anything. I know this sounds silly but because I’m so close to the end it’s made me not want to go anywhere so that I’m not at risk of picking anything up and so I can just crack on with the remaining chemos. 

As I briefly mentioned earlier, my side effects from each chemo are gradually getting harder to get over, not just physically but mentally too. It used to take me a good 2/3 days to get over the chemo but this time round it has taken me 5 days to finally start to feel a little bit more like myself. 
For me a big part of this journey has been the effects that chemo has had on my mind. The weekend before my birthday I ended up in a&e, I had convinced myself that there was something really wrong as I was struggling to breath properly. The nurses and doctors did tests and scans and everything came back as normal, this settled me over the weekend but then just last week I saw my consultant and said how I had this pain in my chest and was convinced I had a blood clot. She scheduled me in for an emergency CT scan for the following day and then we waited for the results for the next few days. I got the results back on Thursday and there was no blood clot. I was 90% sure I had one and this just shows how bloody powerful the mind can be! Before cancer, I had never really experienced any signs of anxiety. However now, anxiety and I are the best of friends, unfortunately. I’m hoping she leaves when this is all over…I fight with my anxiety almost everyday and to be quite honest with you all, I don’t actually have the slightest clue as to what I am feeling anxious about, but I really wouldn’t wish this on anyone. 

It’s hard to put into words how you truly feel going through this but I suppose I just really don’t feel like myself anymore. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the person looking back at me. I’m trying to stay positive and strong but sometimes it’s difficult. 

People tell you not to wish your life away, but right now this isn’t my life…so I will keep on wishing until my heart is content. 

Only 5 weeks to go!! 

Love, Grace xo 

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