Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.

This post is quite delayed and I can only apologise…the festivities were getting the better of me and to be honest, it was nice to get away from everything and spend time with the people who are important to me as this halfway chemo has been really tough for me. This post is going to be quite hard for me to write about and open up-to to everyone as it has been the worst part of my journey so far. But I feel it’s important to not hide what cancer really is like. 

It sounds so shallow but when I first met my haematologist one of the first questions I asked was ‘will I lose my hair?’ I had cancer and all I cared about was my hair. I didn’t want to be associated with the disease and I felt that losing my hair really was a big giveaway, everyone (even strangers now) would know I was poorly and I didn’t want people to stare at me. 

I was told that I would, and that most people’s hair started to fall out 10 days after their first chemo. This didn’t happen for me, I didn’t start to lose hair until 9 days after my second chemo, it was only little bits but more than usual, it was gradual for me and just strands came out when I brushed it but nothing I couldn’t cope with. I would say for me, the day I was let out of hospital after being admitted for the second time in mid November was the day I officially started to lose my hair. 

I remember I had just had a shower at hospital (not a nice experience, would not recommend) and started to brush my hair. When it starts, it falls out fast. Clumps of hair were coming out in my brush and I remember telling myself that it’s fine and I knew this was going to happen. I’m not going to lie, it’s actually quite painful when your hair does start to fall out. My scalp was achy and it hurt so much, the only way I can explain it for me,  is like being pricked with tiny needles on your head all the time. I remember coming out of the bathroom and my mum asking me if I was okay, I just handed her my hairbrush and burst out crying…I think I cried for 2 days straight after this. Partly why I cried all the time is that you’re constantly covered in hair so I would be having a really good day and then when I would look down at my clothes , I would be covered in strands of hair and it gets to the point where it’s just so annoying…a constant reminder of what’s going on. 

I then decided to get a fringe cut to hide my new bald patch at the front of my head, this really helped me. It covered the area which was thinning the most and gave me a bit longer with my hair. I was prepared to try anything so that I could keep it for as long as possible and hold up my disguise of not being known as a cancer patient. The fringe lasted quite well until I had to have my hair re-cut at the start of December. My mum being a hairdresser was a blessing in disguise really, she pulled more hair from the back to cover the growing bald patch at the front of my head, but because this didn’t look great on its own, it was hats and headscarves from here on. For anyone going through this or something similar, I really would recommend getting a fringe as when you have a headscarf on and leave the fringe out, no one would know! (and if they ask - “it’s fashion darlingg.”) 

By having the fringe recut this gave me an extra two weeks with hair, which I know doesn’t seem a lot but I’ll take what I can! On the 18th December I decided to 'brave the shave.’ My hair had reached the point where I actually looked like an old woman (more like witch), I would say I only had about 20% of my hair left, if that. It looked ridiculous to be honest, all I could wear was beanies and have these tiny bits of hair poking out just so people thought I had hair, and I suddenly thought to myself, why am I trying to hide this? I promised myself I wouldn’t hide the toughest battle I was fighting from everyone and here I was clinging onto my hair so people thought I was okay. Well the truth is, I’m not okay and most people know that, everyone knows I’m going to lose my hair so what is the point in hiding it? Yes I am fighting cancer and yes I am bald, but I am winning my fight. 

When I actually shaved my head, it wasn’t a sad moment at all and I didn’t want it to be. I had no attachment to my hair anymore as it no longer looked like me and wasn’t the hair I missed. I miss my long, healthy hair not the fluffy stuff I had left. I laughed throughout getting it shaved off and my family and I made jokes and it really was a special moment and very liberating to be honest. For an event everyone was dreading, it’s probably one of my best memories from this whole journey so far. I don’t want to wear my wig and for now I wont be, I’ll be sticking to my headscarfs and beanies, what’s the point when everyone knows it’s a wig? My opinion on this might change but for now I’m happy embracing my bronzed (thank you fake tan) little egg head. 

All that’s left to say is thank you for taking the time to read this very long post (sorry) and I hope you all have a very happy (and healthy!!) new year!! 

(I’ll attach some photos below of my hair…)

Love Grace xo 

when I got my fringe cut 
experimenting with headscarves (harder than it looks) 

bad hair day (lol) = beanie
bald patches appeared
when it started to get hard...
experimenting with more headscarves

I'd had enough by this point.
Finally baldilocks :) 


1 comment

  1. So brave Grace, and a beautiful young lady! Rocking the head scarves too ��


© A Lump in the Road
Blogger Templates made by pipdig